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“Adult” Fantasy

Just as in this popular humorous post, an infinitely fractional* part of the below actually happened to me.

[Lights up on an atrium after grand rounds–fichus plants, white walls with tasteful hospital art. Upstage stand several folded tables with bagels on them. The CROWD OF DOCTORS, dressed in white coats, is milling about the table, chatting, holding paper plates with one or two bagels on them. Spot lights up on BLAKE, wearing white coat, and a MINOR DEITY OF INTERNAL MEDICINE, wearing glowing white coat and surrounded by a small cloud of butterflies, and a dancing Mongolian shaman.]

BLAKE: …and then the author described quite beautifully how he figured out the patient was surreptitiously taking furosemide.

MINOR DEITY OF INTERNAL MEDICINE: Interesting. Pardon me, but are you that med student who’s about to publish a novel.

BLAKE: Yes, I am. And, you’re a minor deity of internal medicine. You wrote that famous textbook.

MINOR DEITY OF INTERNAL MEDICINE: I am. [He smiles and shrugs. Spotlight intensifies on him. Butterflies flap more vigorously. Mongolian shaman dances tighter circles and holds up a copy of the famous textbook.] So, what kind of novels do you write?

BLAKE: Fantasy.


BLAKE: Oh, I mean adult fantasy.

MINOR DEITY OF INTERNAL MEDICINE: “Adult” fantasy? Like Debbie Does Dallas?

[Suddenly the CROWD OF DOCTORS goes dead silent, and looks at BLAKE.]

BLAKE: [blushing] Oh…no, more like…like…Gandolph Gone Wild.

[Enter stage right BEARDED AND ROBED MEN dressed alternately in grey and white.]

BEARDED AND ROBED MEN: [running wildly across stage] Woooooo! YAYAYAYA! Woooo!

CROWD OF DOCTORS: [forming a huddle behind MINOR DEITY OF INTERNAL MEDICINE] Ahhh, help us! Save our souls. The geriatric ward has gone commando! We’re doomed! Help! Help!

MINOR DEITY OF INTERNAL MEDICINE: [holding up arms and shouting] You shall not pass!

BEARDED AND ROBED MEN: [standing still in stunned silence] What did you say?

MINOR DEITY OF INTERNAL MEDICINE: [holding up arms and shouting] You! Shall! Not! Paaaaaaaasssss!

BEARDED AND ROBED MEN: Fuck that! [continue cheering and running to stage left] Woooo! Show us your staff!!!! Woooo! [exit stage left]

[Silent moment passes before CROWD OF DOCTORS begins to chatter among themselves and eat bagels]

MINOR DEITY OF INTERNAL MEDICINE: [mildly] So, surreptitiously taking furosemide, you say?


*and legally non-binding.


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