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Why Adolescent Medicine is Awesome

(The following dialog is the amalgamation of several patient encounters and represents no actual patient encounter. All identifying information has been removed to avoid an authorial HIPAA violation and a teen OMGWTFHOLLA violation.)

Girl-who-thinks-she-got-a-higher-verbal-SAT-score-than-I-did: Look I just need you to sign my physical form so I can play volleyball. And I’ve been waiting for like…ever.

Blake Charlton: You came to a free clinic for a sports physical?

Girl-who-thinks-she-got-a-higher-verbal-SAT-score-than-I-did: There something wrong with that?

Blake Charlton: Your address puts you in one of the wealthiest zip codes in the nation.

Girl-who-thinks-she-got-a-higher-verbal-SAT-score-than-I-did: Well, I couldn’t get an appointment at a real clinic until next month. And practice starts next week.

Blake Charlton: All right, all right. Let me ask you some questions.

Girl-who-thinks-she-got-a-higher-verbal-SAT-score-than-I-did: Did you know your last name means “fake doctor?”

Blake Charlton: That’s “charlatan.”

Girl-who-thinks-she-got-a-higher-verbal-SAT-score-than-I-did: Ohhh, sucks to be you.

Blake Charlton: Yeah, sometimes. Anyway, do you go to tanning salons?

Girl-who-thinks-she-got-a-higher-verbal-SAT-score-than-I-did: Yeah. How could you tell?

Blake Charlton: Your name’s three-syllables more Anglo than mine (which ain’t easy), so I’m guessing you should be a shade of pale slightly whiter than papier-mâché.

Girl-who-thinks-she-got-a-higher-verbal-SAT-score-than-I-did: That’s racist.

Blake Charlton: Let’s just pretend you never said that. So, it’s important you know that visiting tanning salons increases your risk of getting deadly skin cancer by 55%.

Girl-who-thinks-she-got-a-higher-verbal-SAT-score-than-I-did: Great, thanks doc. I’ll file that one way.

Blake Charlton: It’s very damaging to your skin. It’ll make you look much older than you actually are.

Girl-who-thinks-she-got-a-higher-verbal-SAT-score-than-I-did: Sure, whatever. What does this have to do with me playing volleyball?

Blake Charlton: Just…just think about it okay?

Girl-who-thinks-she-got-a-higher-verbal-SAT-score-than-I-did: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Blake Charlton: I’m a medical student.

Girl-who-thinks-she-got-a-higher-verbal-SAT-score-than-I-did: For a medical student, you look way _old_.

Blake Charlton: That’s because I spent so much time in tanning salons.

Girl-who-thinks-she-got-a-higher-verbal-SAT-score-than-I-did: OH MY GOD, SHUT UP, FOR SERIOUS????

Blake Charlton: …

Girl-who-thinks-she-got-a-higher-verbal-SAT-score-than-I-did: Why are you looking up at the ceiling?

Blake Charlton: I’m asking God if it’d be okay to lie to you to keep you out of the tanning salon.

Girl-who-thinks-she-got-a-higher-verbal-SAT-score-than-I-did: You’re a little dramatic, huh?

Blake Charlton: You like giving people are hard time, huh?

Girl-who-thinks-she-got-a-higher-verbal-SAT-score-than-I-did: Kinda. So you gonna do my sports physical or not?

Blake Charlton: Are you going to stay away from tanning salons?

Girl-who-thinks-she-got-a-higher-verbal-SAT-score-than-I-did: No, but now I’ll feel bad when I do. Well…a little bad.

Blake Charlton: Good enough, give me the form.