BlakeCharlton.com

Powell’s Reading, Portland, Spañguish, y Don Limpio

Two weeks from today I will be flying to Portland to read at Powell’s Books.

But, Blake, you ask, which Portland?

The one on the left.

But, Blake, you ask, which Powell’s?

The one at Cedar Hills Crossing, in Beaverton. (Click the link for location etc.)

But what if I don’t really want to go to your reading; just, you know, catch up?

Buy a bottle of Mr. Clean, put it on your kitchen table, drink a beer, and talk to the guy on the label. Did you know he’s named Senor Limpio in Latin America and Don Limpio on Spain? How impressive does that sound? I mean Don—

Okay, feel free to not talk about that anymore. So what if I just want to hang out with you in person.

Oh, come hang out before the reading at the nearby McMenamins (click for location) for dinner or a beer. Please drop me a line if you’re coming. I’ll get there around 5pm. It’s easy to spot me I’m the guy who looks like Don Lim—

We’re not going to call you Don Limpio.

Please?

Only if you wear a gold hoop earring.

Hey now, would a Don wear a hoop earring? That doesn’t sound very “regio” does it?

No, amigo, no es regio to wear a gold hoop earring unless you’re Don Quixote. Por lo tanto NO ONE IS CALLING YOU DON LIMPIO.

Woah! Way to bring the emphatic Spañglish. Hablas español?

No, man, no hablo español por que YOU no hablas español y you are frakking writing me so how am I supposed to speak Spanish?

This is a trick question. Una pregunta con truco?

How do you say “Bitch please,” in Spanish?

Perra, por favor.

You sure? That doesn’t sound like it has the same zing to it.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure those are the right words.

But does it translate?

Does what translate?

Bitch, please.

There’s no need to get fussy!

No, I just wonder if you can translate it literally.

Bitch, please?

Now YOU are getting fussy.

I was just asking.

Asking about what?

Bitch, please.

It hurts my soul that you are so obnoxious.

Perra, por favor!

Still isn’t working for you. How did we get on this subject anyway?

The Powell’s reading? That you don’t speak Spanish?

Ohhh yeah. I was pointing out that I could only speak Spanish if you spoke it, but you don’t and you’re just trying to practice your Spanish so you can talk to more of your patients so you ended up creating a metablog in Spagñlish.

Well, now it’s getting to be more like Spañguish.

Everyone hates you when you pun.

Perra, por—

Stop; I’ll vomit.

In other news, my good friend and New York Times Best Selling author Brent Weeks—El Ninja con Capucha—will be in the audience. So maybe people will want to get him to sign books, or tell them about his much anticipated new book The Black Prism.

Did you just introduce your friend right after I brought up vomit? What’s the free association there?

Umm, and THE LOVELY AND PATIENT MRS. WEEKS, who made a much loved appearance on this blog, may also be there.

Hold the phone, did you just call Brent “The Ninja with Hood” in Spanish?

Wouldn’t “The Hooded Ninja” be a better translation?

You’re still bitter everyone compares your UK cover to those on his Night Angel books.

Well…not bitter.

Does Brent know how few people show up to your readings?

Shhh…he might read this.

Oh, yeah homes, good idea: if you don’t mention it on the internet he might not notice that the book store is EMPTY BUT FOR YOU, HIM, THE BOOKSELLER, Y UNO PLATO DE GALLINAS?

And a plate of chickens?

Isn’t that “los pollos?”

Yeah, but isn’t “gallina” a hen?

Oh…then what’s the word for “cookie?”

“Las galletas?” Wait, wait. How should I know?

I don’t know what you mean?

Mentiroso! If you don’t know, then I can’t know either, can I? You were just getting all snotty about that. I’m about this close to ending this blog post.

Slow down there, Borges. No need to get angry meta on me. I wasn’t being snotty.

And, yeah, “gallina” does mean hen. You knew it’s related to one of the words for chicken in Latin.

I did not.

Two years ago in anatomy lab, we found that ridge on the ethmoid bone in the anterior compartment of the skull. And we looked up that its name was “crista galli” which means the “Cock’s crest” in Latin.

Jesucristo! You were such a pendejo in anatomy lab, when you had to look up the Latin or Greek root of every damned thing. No one cares about etymology!

That’s it. This blog post is over.

Yeah, is it? Why am I still talking?

I’m serious. I’m ending this now. You’ll be lucky if you get one more word off.

Perra…